To begin, I’d like to state that “Parent Guilt” is real and it often stems from institutional and societal pressures conveyed to us all. This phenomenon can manifest into torturous, cruel thoughts and beliefs, often accompanied by high-stress levels. Parent guilt is defined as the strong emotions one experiences when feeling inadequate in the lives of our children.
This dreaded guilt has increased for me in the last couple of weeks. Suddenly I’m not only ashamed of the time spent away from my children due to my career. I also struggle with the uncertainties of COVID-19, the lack of schooling they are receiving, the amount of time they are spending in front of the TV or their tablet, the boring meals I’m currently cooking for them, and the times I’ve snapped and begged them to get their hands out of their mouth and wash them. I also worry about their perception of current events. I worry that they will remember these times as the time my partner and I were anxious, short-tempered and our lives were chaotic. It’s difficult to shake these feelings, I often wish I was better for my kids. I know I’m not alone; many parents around the world are feeling the guilt, more than ever.
The stress and uncertainty of these times allowed me to express these thoughts to another clinician at my job site. It was incredibly relieving to hear that he too was feeling this way and has his own way of making this up to his children. He confessed that he often sends his children Amazon-bought toys and makes sure they arrive while he is at work. I laughed (because I thought this was sweet) and admitted that I over-hype holidays with balloons, streamers, and sugar-covered doughnuts delivered by pumpkins, Santa Claus or Valentine babies. This was one of the best conversations I've ever had. I suddenly realized how daunting these feelings can be. My coworker and I are not the only ones feeling this anxious, my clients are feeling this way too.
One client tearfully shared, “My children are confused, their sleeping schedule is completely off, they are not putting effort into their online schooling. We are clashing so much, I cry in my room. I can’t handle how difficult this is and I just burst into tears. I keep telling my husband that things will get better soon, but there’s a part in me that knows this is only the beginning. I can’t tell him this because he needs me to be strong and positive. We will be losing our health insurance soon, I doubt that we will be able to pay all the bills next month. I don’t know how to explain this to the kids… I’m terrified and my mind is always preoccupied with, What to do?”
No one in history has ever had to deal with the catastrophic effects of COVID-19 and unfortunately, we are left with little answers as to when this might be over. As I listen to the concerns of my clients, I sense their overwhelming, formidable thoughts just by reading their body language. Their fears are more valid than ever. As I listen and offer gentle responses, I think about how meaningful our 50-minute sessions may be to them during this time. This is the time and space where they get to voice their scariest predictions. Many parents express worry that self-quarantine and business closures will be in effect until the end of Spring or early Summer. These fears are understandable and having someone to talk to can help lighten the weight of them.
Hang in there mom and dad, we will get through this. Our children need us during this time, and more than ever. They, too, are facing losses: Their friends, their beloved teachers who help raise them, and the fun distractions from our adult preoccupations. But that doesn’t mean that the guilt and the obsessive thoughts saying, “You aren’t doing this right. You’re a bad parent, there is something wrong with you!” get any easier to cope with. You are feeling this way because you are stretched thin with few resources and more-around-the-clock responsibilities.
For some families, working from home is incredibly difficult. Although they may recognize that they are fortunate to have this opportunity, they also worry about their job performance, the quality of their work, and whether their job is in danger. The thought of losing their job and not being able to quickly acquire another is keeping them up at night. “I’ve lost sleep over this, I’m exhausted. I may be the next person to be laid off if more hours are cut next month.”
As a psychotherapist, I can admit that we are trained in helping you manage fear and anxiety, especially when these thoughts are irrational. In this case, however; the fear is valid, real and worldwide. One thing we know is that we have to keep ourselves and our lives going. We must persevere. Am I telling you to hide the fear in order to avoid unpleasant emotions? No. There is nothing healthy in doing that. What I’m telling you is, find the silver lining, the glitter, the warm and fuzzy feeling and hold onto it. Do the things that make you happy while at home. When you feel this warmth, be mindful of it.
Live in the moment. Schoolwork and the hamper full of dirty laundry can wait for a little. 5 years from now our children won’t remember how organized the pantry closet was either, they will remember the memories you shared and created with them.
If I can be very real here-- I still remember the Summer of 1996 when my mom had no money to feed me and my 2 sisters a proper meal. We had no electricity or furniture, just some cute little wall critters to keep us company. All she could afford one day was Concha bread and Tampico juice. Not once did we complain (or at least I don’t remember) she sat on the carpet with us, and she smiled as we ate. I remember every detail of her smile because it told me that we were safe. I needed nothing more.
Pay attention. Set the phone and the evening news aside and listen to stories they come up with, the games they reenact and the things that make them laugh. You will never be this young ever again, they will never be this little again.
Contrary to popular belief, children don’t walk into our offices and tell us everything that’s on their beautiful minds. They also don’t go home and tell you that they need your attention and care because they had a difficult day dealing with a peer who is displaying narcissistic behaviors emerging from pressures at home. Children tell us they need us when they ask us to play with them, when they ask us to lie in bed with them for 5 minutes before they fall asleep, or when they ask us to sit next to them as they complete a stressful homework assignment. They feel guilt too. Imagine what it must be like for them to witness the people they love the most fighting, arguing, crying, and irritable at their smallest requests.
Be Present. When you feel angry, overwhelmed, sad, frustrated, ugly or like a bad parent, breathe. Focus on your breath and imagine the visible wind, or air, entering your body, focus on the pressure your throat feels as you try to hold your breath and then focus on the relief you experience as you let it out. Take your time as you’re doing this, be mindful.
When I know I’ve had a tough day, I do this before falling asleep. After doing this a few times, I also picture the negative thoughts I’ve experienced throughout the day and imagine letting them loose as I breathe out.
In closing, Be kind to yourself. You may not be perfect, but your child doesn’t know perfect. They know you and they love you, unconditionally. The negative thoughts are common among parents, but they are unhealthy and frankly, exhausting. Think back to when you were a child; think of your most vulnerable time. What did you need? Was it a long hug with a simple, “I love you. You are so intelligent. You are a joy”? Did you want your loved ones to tell you that you were enough? Treat yourself as if you were still that little child. What will you say to yourself instead?
When I think back to a time when I felt helpless as a child, all I wanted was to be listened to. I only wanted to hear that I was understood and loved. Today I would tell myself that it’s okay to take it one step at a time. I would also want to tell myself that I’m a good mom, and good is perfect.
Written by Beth Surya M.S. CPC-State Intern
Click Here to visit Beth’s Website.
References:
Bystritsky A. Complementary and alternative treatments for anxiety symptoms and disorders: Physical, cognitive, and spiritual interventions. https://uptodate.com/contents/search. Accessed March 31, 2020.